I'm weak and dizzy with love. Today we let ourselves slow down and breathe, take eachother in and laugh. It was a beautiful night. He follows me home every night in his mothers car, even though I now have a car, just to say goodnight to me at my doorstep. Soon we'll be living together, spending our nights as close as close can be, ending and beginning each day in eachothers arms. What a beautiful, beautiful world that will be. But these days we have now are precious memories. I treasure them more than I know how to explain.
Yesterday he sprayed his couches, pillows and every corner of the blanket with lysol so that I wouldn't be nervous about catching his families most recent flu. I haven't felt so taken care of and protected in a long, long time.
I've decided that lists are powerful, the project into your near future what you want to happen. They allow you to visualize and thus more accurately execute tasks or goals. So I've decided to make a list of all my visions for the future, and here it is;
1. There will be peace.
2. I will go to church more Sunday's then I don't.
3. I will recycle.
4. My home will be clean. Not frighteningly so; I don't have it in my blood to keep my clothes off the floor. But clean. And organized. With plenty of tea in the kitchen.
5. I will shop at chain supermarkets only when I'm forced; My main source of food will be purchased at Farmers Markets.
6. There will be Marcos and Me time every day, at least, and/or as often as we can sneak it.
7. The windows will be open. The sunlight (or rainy day's) will shine through.
8. I realize now that our car was an undeserved gift from on High, and as long as the Lord lets us drive it around I swear it will be the most spoild car in town.
9. My yard will be ...beautiful. With flowers and a vegetable garden.
10. I will make my art, music, and writing a severe priority. If I love all these, if these are to be my profession someday, its time I began treating it as such.
11. I will own my own life and live proudly in this world while I still have breath in me.
Goodnight moon.
-A.H.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Today we drove by a car on fire. We called 911
and then watched as the ambulence drove down the wrong street.
My thoughts were cutting through my hair and splitting my head in two as I tried to hold my tears from falling in my lap. But he saw them. Of course he saw them. I pulled over to the curb and cried and cried. I was ashamed of my tears and my faulty emotions, ashamed of my quivering chin so I kept my words to myself, still in the futile attempt to save face. I finally confessed through choking that I was afraid. He held me, and reassured me. "We're soul mates" he said "How can you live without your soul mate once you've found them?" I said I had no idea. "You'll never loose me." He said. I choose to believe him, because the alternative is unthinkable.
I've already lost so much of my life, and been blamed for it. Sometimes I wonder what'll keep me from screwing this up too.
Just as those before us roamed the land searching for better grazing lands, better crop lands, so we as spiritual beings were meant to travel this life searching for that warm place in the sun, that safe place to hang our hat, that better-than-before place. Some give up before they even know where they're going. And who can blame them?
But those who give up ought not scoff or throw poorly aimed stones when the tireless ones find the Promised Land.
-A.H.
My thoughts were cutting through my hair and splitting my head in two as I tried to hold my tears from falling in my lap. But he saw them. Of course he saw them. I pulled over to the curb and cried and cried. I was ashamed of my tears and my faulty emotions, ashamed of my quivering chin so I kept my words to myself, still in the futile attempt to save face. I finally confessed through choking that I was afraid. He held me, and reassured me. "We're soul mates" he said "How can you live without your soul mate once you've found them?" I said I had no idea. "You'll never loose me." He said. I choose to believe him, because the alternative is unthinkable.
I've already lost so much of my life, and been blamed for it. Sometimes I wonder what'll keep me from screwing this up too.
Its taken me a while to put this into words, but I now not only have I seen right through them but I can describe the sight; they're just jealous. Where was my father's father? Where was their father? They are just jealous because here is a boy less than half their age who has been given the exact same set of tools to work with that they themselves were given, but rather than let them sit in the closet collecting dust Marcos is actually doing something with them. And building something beautiful, too.
Just as those before us roamed the land searching for better grazing lands, better crop lands, so we as spiritual beings were meant to travel this life searching for that warm place in the sun, that safe place to hang our hat, that better-than-before place. Some give up before they even know where they're going. And who can blame them?
But those who give up ought not scoff or throw poorly aimed stones when the tireless ones find the Promised Land.
-A.H.
If someone takes your cell, don't forget there's a pay phone in front of Factory to U. Do you know where that is? If you need me just call me, no matt
er what time, and I'll come get you.
"If you weren't so pissy," she said, "you'd be alot easier for me to deal with." I walked in from the kitched to stand by the fire, my heart already splitting in two and asked her to please repeat herself. "If you weren't so pissy" her voice yelling, "you'd be alot easier for me to deal with."
My head began to spin.
"The only reason why I've been pissy is because for the last couple of nights you've been sleeping where I normally sleep. And where am I supposed to go?" And I turned away to face the mantle, the flames warming my legs and hips and before I knew what was happening I caught myself thinking "I hate it here. I want to go home."
...and tears flooded my eyes.
-A.H.
"If you weren't so pissy," she said, "you'd be alot easier for me to deal with." I walked in from the kitched to stand by the fire, my heart already splitting in two and asked her to please repeat herself. "If you weren't so pissy" her voice yelling, "you'd be alot easier for me to deal with."
My head began to spin.
"The only reason why I've been pissy is because for the last couple of nights you've been sleeping where I normally sleep. And where am I supposed to go?" And I turned away to face the mantle, the flames warming my legs and hips and before I knew what was happening I caught myself thinking "I hate it here. I want to go home."
...and tears flooded my eyes.
-A.H.
I don't know what to say. I haven't written for quite some time now and its because I seem to have run out of new thoughts. My life has grown into one long string of predictable occurrences, one following right after the other. But at least now there is a change in sight. There's a break in the wall, and I'm running for it till my thighs burn and my lungs turn to iron. I hope my heart will hold out.
Long ago I read somewhere that right now, in this very hour, we've all been given everything we need to survive this present moment and all its trials. No matter how thin you're worn, no matter how big the world and its problems seem, you've been given enough. I took this to heart the moment I read it, but I never translated it to material goods as well as etherworldly ones. Last night I made a list of all the things we need, beginning with all the things we already have. And we have enough.
This morning I awoke to my Uncles knock on the kitchen window, and I purposefully fell soundly asleep as my mother disappear out the front door to talk with him in whispers on the front steps. An intervention is coming. I feel it. And its safe to say I resent it more than just a little. I feel my family falling away from me.
I told Marcos that if this is what they need to do to ease their consciences and acquire that elusive self righteous fix they need so desperately then its the least we can do. They can talk, yell, and confront all they want. Even Jesus never defended himself, regardless of what he was accused of. He was satisfied with the knowledge He possessed of himself. He knew he had his heavenly Father's approval and seal of goodwill, and that was enough for him. And its enough for me now.
I've been granted an overwhelming sense of peace. Peace persists. Peace that passes all understanding. I never knew exactly what that verse meant till these most recent days.
I folded my hands like a child in prayer, And I didn't know what to ask for. I didn't know what to pray not because You and I have grown so far apart, but because I no longer have words to name my life by. Perhaps prayer isn't in the asking, but the listening.
Someone's thrown the dice into the air, and I'm waiting for them to fall on the carpet. You call the number. I can't look.
-A.H.
ps. I have my licence! I'm such a big girl now.
Long ago I read somewhere that right now, in this very hour, we've all been given everything we need to survive this present moment and all its trials. No matter how thin you're worn, no matter how big the world and its problems seem, you've been given enough. I took this to heart the moment I read it, but I never translated it to material goods as well as etherworldly ones. Last night I made a list of all the things we need, beginning with all the things we already have. And we have enough.
This morning I awoke to my Uncles knock on the kitchen window, and I purposefully fell soundly asleep as my mother disappear out the front door to talk with him in whispers on the front steps. An intervention is coming. I feel it. And its safe to say I resent it more than just a little. I feel my family falling away from me.
I told Marcos that if this is what they need to do to ease their consciences and acquire that elusive self righteous fix they need so desperately then its the least we can do. They can talk, yell, and confront all they want. Even Jesus never defended himself, regardless of what he was accused of. He was satisfied with the knowledge He possessed of himself. He knew he had his heavenly Father's approval and seal of goodwill, and that was enough for him. And its enough for me now.
I've been granted an overwhelming sense of peace. Peace persists. Peace that passes all understanding. I never knew exactly what that verse meant till these most recent days.
I folded my hands like a child in prayer, And I didn't know what to ask for. I didn't know what to pray not because You and I have grown so far apart, but because I no longer have words to name my life by. Perhaps prayer isn't in the asking, but the listening.
Someone's thrown the dice into the air, and I'm waiting for them to fall on the carpet. You call the number. I can't look.
-A.H.
ps. I have my licence! I'm such a big girl now.
Daddy this ones for you.
I just got off the phone with my dad. All he kept saying was "I believe in you. I know without a doubt you can do this. If anyone can do this you can. I'm so proud of you."
I was floored. On the phone I had to fight back tears because the soft beauty of the moment was more than I expected. Indeed this was unprecidented; He was kind and I was receptive to it.
If you would have told me a year ago that my life would look like this, I would have laughed at you. Its a good thing you kept it to yourself; if you hadn't I might have run the other way. Because a year ago I didn't realize I was this strong.
Pray that I get hired somewhere. Anywhere. And right away. Thank you.
-A.H.
I was floored. On the phone I had to fight back tears because the soft beauty of the moment was more than I expected. Indeed this was unprecidented; He was kind and I was receptive to it.
If you would have told me a year ago that my life would look like this, I would have laughed at you. Its a good thing you kept it to yourself; if you hadn't I might have run the other way. Because a year ago I didn't realize I was this strong.
Pray that I get hired somewhere. Anywhere. And right away. Thank you.
-A.H.
She accused me of not having goals outside of Marcos. This is false. Case in point;
College. Its never been an if. Never an option in my mind. I hate not being in school right now. I feel stupid and worthless. I miss the classrooms of my below budget community college, I miss the teachers, the smells the noises and lack of nutrition. I will go back because my spirit could not allow me otherwise. Marcos has only magnified this gut feeling, because now I'm succeeding for two.
Music. Now more than ever I'm motivated to go back. I need a job first, and I will work two if it means I can go back to voice lessons and make my dreams come true. There is no option for failure here either. Part of my heart and mind goes missing when music and creativity leave my air space. I breathe better when I'm singing.
Moving Out. Independence has always been a far off dream of mine. I longed for it but could never wrap it around my neck. But now its right around the corner, and as I approach it my feet they quicken when before they turned round about beneath my heart before I could argue otherwise. But now I feel capable. Now I feel brave. And even if I didn't, now there is no option. And not because of Marcos, but because the Lord told me it was time.
I just had to get that out of my head and into your ears.
-A.H.
College. Its never been an if. Never an option in my mind. I hate not being in school right now. I feel stupid and worthless. I miss the classrooms of my below budget community college, I miss the teachers, the smells the noises and lack of nutrition. I will go back because my spirit could not allow me otherwise. Marcos has only magnified this gut feeling, because now I'm succeeding for two.
Music. Now more than ever I'm motivated to go back. I need a job first, and I will work two if it means I can go back to voice lessons and make my dreams come true. There is no option for failure here either. Part of my heart and mind goes missing when music and creativity leave my air space. I breathe better when I'm singing.
Moving Out. Independence has always been a far off dream of mine. I longed for it but could never wrap it around my neck. But now its right around the corner, and as I approach it my feet they quicken when before they turned round about beneath my heart before I could argue otherwise. But now I feel capable. Now I feel brave. And even if I didn't, now there is no option. And not because of Marcos, but because the Lord told me it was time.
I just had to get that out of my head and into your ears.
-A.H.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
